This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are