In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
You Might Also Like
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
favorite tropes as memes
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom