I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.