I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
just make the entire table out of coaster
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.