Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
$4 #usedbooks
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs