If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Super Hand Dog Face
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree