No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
What the hell happened in there??
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
What the hell happened here.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.