Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.