Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
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My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.