Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
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What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
best review i’ve ever seen
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS