Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
everyone has that one prude friend
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Hey I worked for it too!
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool