On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment