When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match