*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT