DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”