911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
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When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Every house has this drawer
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it