Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Happy Thanksgiving
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
This is my bus stop.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
If you are reading this then you are reading this
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
The Compass
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…