“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Worth remembering.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Real House Wines.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW