[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*