sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
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Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
secret recipe
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.