Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
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I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
can’t wait til they legalize outside
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way