Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
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If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?