*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
You Might Also Like
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
still the best tweet of the year by far
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
5 ways to appear taller
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.