Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Same pineapple, same
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say