If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Sunday
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I have many caverns
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
#FunnyLife Insects
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot