Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
good for her
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me too 😆
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Living the best life.. 😊
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.