Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
remember
only for emergencies
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”