Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire