(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!