This story is comedy gold 😂
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*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
🛁
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Duck typos.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”