I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
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Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.