bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Proctology is located in A55
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.