“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
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I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
early stone age tool
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much