motivation
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.