creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
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[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
when dads have a rap battle