Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I put the mess in domestic.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?