I’d walk over cotton balls for you
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Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Cat.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.