If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
It do be feeling this way.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
thank god