‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I put the p in pants.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned