[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
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Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
me refusing to leave twitter
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
stand with me against insufficient seating
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.