relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I got soap in my shower beer again.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.