Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
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God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
This was my dad’s browser history.