There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.