Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.