employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
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Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns