I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
secret recipe
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.