Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Happy weekend !
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?