When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You Might Also Like
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Boating season is upon us.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?