Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.