Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You Might Also Like
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
my astrological sign is a french fry
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/